“I can't come,” is a common complaint among women. Although there are also women who can come easily, the majority of women come only very occasionally or even never.

Do you find it annoying that you never come and do you want to look for the cause of this? Then read on. 

How does the orgasm occur?

If you want to find out the cause of your difficulty coming, it is first important to know how the orgasm occurs. Do you want detailed information about this? Then first read our blog about “The Phases of Orgasm” .

In short, arousal is an important part of having an orgasm. Every woman can be turned on by something different, but think of this: kissing, caressing, foreplay and perhaps erotic thoughts and fantasies. 

So it's all about the clit!

It is therefore also useful that you understand how the clitoris works. She is bigger than most think, because she is more than just that pink sensitive bump above your pee hole. The largest part of the clit is located inside. The G-spot is not the secret place that people think, but is nothing more than a part of the inner part of the clitoris. More precisely, it is the back of the clitoris that surrounds the vaginal wall and can be stimulated from the inside of the vagina. So whether you reach your climax through clitoral stimulation or penetration, it all comes down to the same thing in the end. However, the orgasms can feel different, because they are stimulated through other places.

Get stiff

As we said, the clitoris swells when aroused. You can compare this to the erection of the penis. Your clit consists of the same spongy tissue as the penis and fills with blood when aroused, causing it to swell. Your clitoris also enlarges slightly, making everything down there more sensitive. A man can't come without getting hard, so it's important that the clitoris gets enough stimulation!

How do you stimulate the clitoris?

You can stimulate the clitoris externally, by rubbing that sensitive nodule, but you can also stimulate the clitoris internally through penetration or fingerwork. It is important to know that this is not about hard and deep penetration! All nerve endings are located in the clitoris, which is located almost at the beginning of the vaginal opening (about 2.5 cm away), on the side of the abdomen. The location can differ per woman. With one woman this may be closer and with the other woman further away. The shorter the distance, the easier it must be to have an orgasm. We unfortunately have no control over how yours turned out, this is determined by mother nature. So it may take a while before you find out what she likes and what is good for her. Take your time to experiment and get to know her better. 

When getting an orgasm, it is therefore crucial that there is enough excitement and that the clitoris is stimulated continuously for a while. So it's "all about the clit!" Well…for the most part.

Causes of not having an orgasm

Of course, other factors also play an important role in getting an orgasm. Take a look at the list below and ask yourself if it could be due to one of these factors:

• Too short on foreplay 
• You and your lover expect to cum through penetration alone without clitoral stimulation 
• You don't like the stimulation of the clitoris
• You have negative thoughts related to sex 
• Load of shame 
• You feel insecure in bed and perhaps unattractive 
• You don't know how your body works 
• You cannot concentrate well on your lust and are easily distracted 
• You have too many thoughts, worries, or problems on your mind 
• Suffering from stress and tension, so you can't fully relax and let go
• Relationship problems 

In addition to stimulating the clitoris, your mood and mind play a major role. If you don't feel comfortable, you can't relax, you can't detach yourself from the thoughts in your head and therefore can't focus on your feelings of lust…then having an orgasm becomes difficult. These causes can ensure that you never experience enough excitement so that you can never get your clitoris "orgasm ready" . 

Tips to cum:

1. Learning to have an orgasm all starts with masturbating!

If you don't know what you like yourself, then your partner certainly doesn't know this. Experiment, get to know your body better and find out where it feels good for you and which stimulation feels good for you. For example, for some women it feels better to stimulate around the clitoris instead of right on it. This often feels too intense, so you cannot be stimulated long enough. So the G-spot (internal part of clitoris) is located at the beginning of the vagina on the side of the abdomen. You find her by hooking your finger in a bit and making the "come here" motion. She feels a bit ribbed and spongy. Do you find it difficult to find her and do this yourself? Then take a look at our G-spot vibrators . These are made to better hit your sensitive spot and stimulate it internally. 

2. Communicate with your hubby 

So now that you know what you like, it is important to communicate this to your partner. Communication is key! In this case, missing communication is the key to your orgasm! Explain to him what you like and what feels good for you! Go crazy and show him how you do it, this can also be super erotic if your partner sees you enjoying yourself so much. And he learns right away.

3. Lend yourself a hand 

We understand that sometimes your partner is busy thrusting and he can't do three things at once. There are many positions where you can easily reach your clitoris to stimulate her even more. This can be done by hand, but also with the help of a sex toy. View here which toys are often used as extra stimulation during sex. 

4. Feel sexy! 

Be kind to your mind and body. If you find this difficult, it can help to dress up in advance and put on a sexy lingerie set. You think your partner is the most beautiful animal on this earth anyway, otherwise he wouldn't be with you!

5. Create the right mood!

Yes, make sure you are in the right mood and feel relaxed. Do something in advance to get out of your head so that you can be completely open to all sexual stimuli during sex. 

6. Look for sexual fantasies

Check whether you might have sexual fantasy and thoughts that can help you get in the mood. For some it helps to read an erotic book beforehand or watch an erotic movie together. There's nothing wrong with that at all!

7. Train your pelvic floor muscle 

By training these muscles, with the help of kegels you can increase the chance of a (double) orgasm! View our bowling balls .

8. Don't make orgasm the goal

If you get too focused on the fact that you have to cum, it will backfire. Find out what you like without pushing yourself to cum. Instead, focus on what you're feeling and enjoy it.

9. Try new positions

There are many positions that increase the chance of having an orgasm. This is because in these positions the penis can better reach the G-spot at a certain angle. Try different positions, feel which ones feel extra good and remember them. 

10. Be more selfish in bed

Many women tend to be more concerned with their partner than with themselves. They constantly ask themselves: Am I doing it right? Does it feel good to him? Won't it take long? Let's do foreplay quickly because he wants to have sex? Do not do that!! And think of yourself. What do you like? And how do you want to do it?